Who Knows Where I'm Going...

06-12-09

2009-12-06T22:55:00.000Z

Cheshire Cat

You smiled so wide, took me inside
Your teeth so sharp, they cut my mind
Some circumstances led to this
We took the blame and both dismissed

Since then it's been so difficult,
To take the facts out of the vault
And it doesn't help that I'm crazy
Life seems so big and hazy

Like flowers under sun
we grew apart and we'd begun
to hate the little things that aren't the same

Now you've dried your whiskers toots,
kicked it out the litter box,
and you've got a nice new heart to chew.

And so here's to you,
To Cheshire Cat, A quick adieu
I will spare a point of view
And leave you with your cold fish stew

Cheshire cat, adieu

05-12-09

2009-12-05T23:27:00.000Z

i don't care for the fact that this doesn't get read.

it means i can use it more like a diary.

so it that sense, i've just re-done my nails.

I'm sat on my bed thinking over some old relaxation techniques

and that i'm hungry

05-12-09

2009-12-05T22:18:00.000Z

it's almost the end of the year and thoughts fill my head constantly like waves
i wanna be pretty, i wanna make that effort every day and stun myself someday
i like taking time over how i look, cause i think i'm making a difference
sometimes when i look in the mirror i see i look okay
but sometimes i don't know where to begin

i think i'm going to start using the powder again
lovely pale winter skin

but my decision remains that i don't need anyone at the moment
i don't need the trouble, not that it has threatened to arrive any time soon

i must start wearing my crayon earring again.

hopefully i can get my ears done next thursday, that would be awesome

30-11-09

2009-11-30T23:35:00.000Z

Haven't written anything creative in so long, and i don't want the ability to up and fly away...

Given the absence of dreamy substance
flying away in a sleep so deep
but once your image popped into my head it was left to
no one but me
to remember it once i awoke and cement it firmly

GLORIOUS ETHEREAL GOTHIC 80'S POST-PUNK ...? maybe?...well some of it

2009-11-16T01:53:00.001Z

okayokay

I’ve loved Placebo (although admittedly not Post-Punk, but glorious and at times, Melancholic) ever since...
god knows when...I KNOW! SSX3 for PS2...the soundtrack featuring what? Oh yes...The Bitter End by Placebo...and I have loved them, and their amazing lead singer and guitarist ever since...their new drummer isn't bad either ;P

but that aside...

I’ve loved Joy Division ever since I stumbled upon Love Will Tear Us Apart and Anton Corbijn's Control
and 24 Hour Party People.

and I’ve loved The Cure ever since lovecats...

But check this new playlist...filled with ethereal dreamy guitar loops, so lovely you could drown in them

Anathema - A Natural Disaster (not post punk...but so ethereal)
Bauhaus - Bela Lugosi's Dead
Bauhaus - She's In Parties
Editors - (Again...flaky association with the title but I love it) The Back Room (In particular "Munich")
Joy Division - Everything!!
Justin Hayward - Forever Autumn (flaky again...but yes...love it)
Keane - Nothing In My Way (Not 80's, nor Post-Punk...but melancholic britishness?)
Morrissey - Irish Blood, English Heart
Morrissey - Everyday Is Like Sunday
New Order - True Faith '94
OMD - Enola Gay (Synth-pop, I know...but I like it)
Placebo - Pretty Much Everything, because I love it
Radiohead - Creep
Relient K - Who I am Hates Who I've Been (acoustic)
Scissor Sisters - Mary (Is this really who it says it is? cause it's so different!)
Siouxsie and The Banshees - Hong Kong Garden
Siouxsie and The Banshees - Dear Prudence
Stereophonics - Dakota (Just such a good song)
Tears For Fears - Mad World
The Cranberries - Zombie (Awesome song "And their bombs, and their guns")
The Cranberries - Linger (To lighten the mood)
The Cure - Charlotte Sometimes (I LOVE THIS SONG!)
The Smiths - Best of album
The Stone Roses - Fools Gold (Manchester connection, and a brilliant bassline)
The Strokes - Reptilia
The Wombats - Lets Dance To Joy Division
Tokyo Police Club - Nature of The Experiment (love the hook)

Am i?

2009-11-16T01:31:00.000Z

Am i the only one who thinks things sound more romantic...more...mysterious in a different language?

say...Jacques Brel - Ne Me Quitte Pas

Ne me quitte pas

Il faut oublier
Tout peut s'oublier
Qui s'enfuit deja
Oublier le temps
Des malentendus
Et le temps perdu
A savoir comment
Oublier ces heures
Qui tuaient parfois
A coups de pourquoi
Le coeur du bonheur
Ne me quitte pas

Now as Jacques Brel - Don't Leave Me Now

Don't leave me now
We must forget
All can be forgotten
It escapes already
Forget the time
The misunderstandings
And the time that's lost
We must know how
Forgot those hours
Which killed at times
With each thrust of why
The heart of happiness
Don't leave me now

Maybe it's me...

2009-11-14T00:25:00.000Z

New leaf....for those who bother to read, and if you do, i commend you...thanks

29-10-2009

2009-10-29T19:51:00.000Z

Can you see you're only helping them out? I'm not the right person to be preaching, with scars on my arms and stomach, but if you listen to them, please listen to me. You're making yourself ill. Brenda please listen when i say that, they aren't worth listening to. You're better than this, you can cope, i know you can. I believe in you, so can you believe in yourself? You're amazing...DON'T EVER let them tell you otherwise.

You know you're like a sister to me. I love you okay?

I'm so worried...

7/10/09

2009-10-07T00:38:00.000+01:00

So this is where i'm upto
a sort of checkpoint you might say...

only i don't fucking know where i'm going....

Just watch and listen as i slip back into the waters that drowned me for so long
Hear the trickle as every drop passes into my lungs.

You might not know, you might not see
but this is how i'll always be.

I told you you were the bullet boring through my brain
I was wrong
That implies you're slowly killing me, if we're running in slow-motion

You aren't
You are the sparks inside my head,
inspiring me not to end up dead, putting the words i write into an order all of us can understand

And by all of us,
I mean the group of people that have become the lifeline i live for

These people who day after day make this place bright and colourful
when forces i can't control suck out the colour and the fun

But without any of you, i don't know if i could've walked all this way on my own
when the view from the bridge is so pretty
and the water looks so pure
and the air is so fresh.

I may have fallen, but because of you i have never reached the water

I love you people <333...But especially you...

You Drown Me

2009-09-24T02:10:00.000+01:00

So Stable And Steady Is The Bridge I Stand On....It's You

So Fresh And Clear Is The Air That I Fall Through....It's You
So Pure And Clean Are The Waters That Surround Me...It's You
So Pretty And Strong The Waves That Wash Me Ashore...It's You...

20-09-09

2009-09-20T22:29:00.001+01:00

Breathe in and breathe back out, it's a constant cycle we can't go through our lives without, but when you can't summon the strength to breathe a sigh over something, when it hurts too much, if you never got over it enough to breathe that sigh, would you die? When you're happy bathing in the silence and you realise the time, when you should be on your way around the bend, would it really be so bad to hit pause? If you live a life by simple means and everyone around chases after their dreams in a blur of love and sweat past your window, does it fill you with the utmost fear when it hits you like ten thousand spears, you should be amongst that crowd outside. This pressure piles upon over the stupidest things, when you're in a crowded elevator and no ones talking, no one seems to be breathing, that pressure when you need to make a sound?

This is the knot this is the anchor, I step in when you can't handle this situation. I fill up your gut and make you need to hurt, i pull you slowly through the ground. I make you feel this disconnected, this ignored, this ineffective. I make you literally disappear.

And when you're down here, when you daren't make a sound, when you're cowering under the table. Just know this.

To everyone on the outside?...You look like a child

Bright Lights

2009-09-19T22:12:00.000+01:00

There's something about fireworks...

I kept imagining you stood in front of me, my arms around your waist

Seeing those bright lights fill up your eyes and, in the case of the midnight hour kissing you as the bell chimes.

<3

Heart and Soul

2009-09-19T02:13:00.000+01:00

I love you with all of my heart and soul

I cannot wait another moment until we can see each other, not being able to touch you or see you only makes me want you more, and think of you more.

I'll miss you whenever i'm not right by your side,
I love you <3

-x-

Things To Get My Life On Track

2009-09-19T02:04:00.003+01:00

Update. Basically, I've come a long way since i started this blog, and an even longer way since the problems first began. I've discovered things, overcome things and fixed things. When the problems began, i was 16. I couldn't deal with any type of anger and i took it out on myself as countless other teenagers with the same problem do. I could use one of my best friends, Brenda, as an example, but it isn't fair on her, so i won't. I had issues with my anger, i self-harmed and i found a lot of situations in which i felt sorry for myself. But as time has gone on, I've met people, had conversations, had relationships and things have changed. I know i've got General Anxiety Disorder now, and can spot what happens, so it makes it easier to cope with. I can say that without at doubt, there are people that without whom, i would not be here today. I would've let decisions that now define me get to me, I would've let past tragedy that taints my life get to me. I would've let pointless shit that doesn't matter get to me. I have to thank people and here seems appropriate.This isn't everybody, and if you see this and somehow feel left out, then don't be stupid. I'm not paying tribute and ranking my friends, i'm mentioning people who have literally kept me alive.

Sara Jane Rose Bfam - For Being The Easiest Person To Talk To About Anything And Being Able To Laugh About It.

Haley McRainbows - For Being My Inspiration To Write My Issues Out, Keep My Head Up And Get On With Life...Stay Well Miss Rainbow <3

Laura Pass - For Always Being There For Me In My Darkest Moments, Even If Regrettably I Dragged You Down With Me.

Mark Palmer (CUZ) - For Making Me Laugh When It Seems So Hard To.

Danni Palmer, Brenda Metcalf, Immy <$333 - For Knowing How It Feels.

There are more of you out there. Don't get pissy. These Are People Who Help Me Out On Regular Occasion And Rarely Recieve Any Thanks And, For The Most Part, Deserve More Than What They Get From Life.

I Love You All.

18-09-09

2009-09-18T01:20:00.000+01:00

Our bodies mirroring each other
Moving as close as we can

Hands placed carefully
Yours on my neck
Mine on your cheek

Short sharp breaths and
Eyes opening and closing
Flitting everywhere, staring into each other

This building up of energy
Oh how i need you,
To feel you, touch you
Taste you, hear you

Every touch from you feels like lightning
Every scent of you smells like heaven
You look like a million $ baby
And I can't wait til i can say you're mine.

Cause Baby...You Fascinate Me

13-09-09

2009-09-13T00:25:00.000+01:00

I would've expected, to be talking about

your face
your smell
your touch

but as of yet, i wouldn't know
as i thought i would.

<3

13-09-09

2009-09-12T23:55:00.002+01:00

He shuffled through a life less ordinary than most. Didn't feel the need to abuse
the gift with which he was born, he just lived because of it in his own solitude.
Comfortable and quiet, he walked the streets and when he thought he was seen,
he could flat-out disappear. Just like a flash from a disposable camera, he was gone
and away from the awkward situations of a social life, filled with it's status and faux pas,
the only person he need worry about was the one in the mirror. Not concerned with
social-acceptance and standing up to confrontation, he didn't give a care when deciding
colours, shapes, sizes for his furniture and clothing. He just puddled along under his own
banner.

2009-08-18T23:36:00.003+01:00

As the people who care slowly walk away,
and the warmth fades away,
tell me what do i have left in this world so threatening and frightening?

A dream to fly but a paralyzed destiny,
just let this fade for the worst
let this kill us both
we can't function together and we can't function alone
tell me what do we do

2009-08-18T01:08:00.002+01:00

It's as

Wade MacNeil sang

"Were not the kids we used to be"

So....here goes

We're not the kids we used to be.
This is my life,
my rules, myregualtions

You keep dreaming and keep believing
you signed away your life the moment
you signed on the line

We're not the kids we used to be.
This is how i'm going to live my life
Think someday i'll find a wife.

You sit there like you got a choice
Ten years down the line you'll barely have a voice
This god damn life will be the death of you

-----------------------------------------------------

Scrape this life off the curb

13-08-09

2009-08-13T00:29:00.002+01:00

Cursed is every kiss you blew me,
Every diamond smile,
You seemed like heaven laced in beauty,
But beauty doesn't go all the way to the bone

But god how it felt good
You left your mark on me,
God knows ive looked everywhere
To scrub it off of me

Under the stunning innocent exterior
Was hidden the cold black heart of something more...
Sinister.

15.06.09

2009-06-17T00:38:00.001+01:00

The misery of apart.

The way the words you meant to say are left so agonisingly on the tip of your tongue

The way you wish to say so much. The way you can never utter the words which you long so much to say

The silence of loneliness.

Walking alone,

Sleeping alone,

Smiling alone,

Crying alone.

Eating alone,

Sitting alone,

The state of loneliness eats you alive like you never thought was possible. It works its way through your insides

Up through your stomach, you feel sick, and it seeps to your skin making it crave touch and warmth.

And when it comes to the space in between your arms where somebody should be laying, it gets harder to bear.

29-05-09

2009-05-29T00:49:00.002+01:00

we could run for this horizon baby
hand in hand
laughing like we haven't a damn care in this place
because i think we're each others escape plan
we can get together and totally forget all the bad
because we make each other happy

i want you to know that anything could happen
and you could do anything and i would go along with it
i'll be here no matter what happens
i could follow you to the end of the earth and all the way into the sea
i could follow you into the sky

i want to hold you forever so that nothing bad ever happens to you again
you're my beta-blocker and my dose of laughing gas

can i at least be your painkiller?

12-05-09

2009-05-12T21:09:00.002+01:00

Just a few damaged people
in unfamiliar surroundings

we'll get through this shit
we always do
it'll hurt but it will shape us just as much

if feeling this bad has done anything good
it's helped me phrase things?

i can...

maybe not

11-05-09

2009-05-11T22:47:00.002+01:00

i'm racing towards that horizon.
i officially don't care where if you're there at the end or not.
i just hope that whatever happens, you're happy.

i could keep running and running and running
to the point of almost dying
and when i finally got to you
as i'm living my final moments
and you were there to hear my final words

three simple words i would whisper
and i would die happy

06-05-09 Three Cheers For Haleyface

2009-05-06T21:47:00.004+01:00

It seemed to bring my

World to life

With a BANG!

And everything filled with colour,
The moment that you
Showed me your blog and
made words beautiful to me.

So...

How do you express something to

The person that taught you how?

BUT i digress....

WORDS ARE NOT DEAD

2009-05-06T21:43:00.002+01:00

There's no limit on love

except

your own ability to express it.

So...

Express it how you can
now may be your last chance.

---------------------------------------------

The world is yours

Reach out for it

You should already know what
you want to do with it should you
grab it.

It's just where to start?

05-05-09

2009-05-05T00:10:00.000+01:00

love is a lie and love is a farce
love is the reason we get laughed at in class
love is blue and love is green
love is for you but not for me
love is silent yummy reflections
of what has happened to make these connections
love is a smile and a tear on flesh
sometimes love is an awful mess

love is a punch, a slap and a tickle
love is the hammer and love is the sickle
love is a tingle and love is a jolt
love is the calm then ten thousand volts
love is tension, friction and lust
and that was before they got on the bus
love is drunk and asleep in a ditch
love is a saint and love is a bitch

30-04-09 part 2

2009-04-30T22:35:00.007+01:00

This is
The Tale of The Woman That I Didn't Know.

You don't need to know her name, nor who she was to me.

All you need to know, if indeed you are interested, is this:

She led a good, but troubled life.

She had 4 children. 3 boys and a girl.

She had a husband.

He was an evil man, and he abused her. He would eat in front of his
wife and children, and keep it all to himself. He would beat Her around,
sometimes in front of their children.

When the children were old enough, She divorced her husband.

Later, She married again. This man didn't beat Her, instead He
abused Her mentally, and She got to the point where She could
no longer take it. She attempted an overdose.

Soon, She succeeded in suicide. She drowned herself one night,
leaving her 4 children behind.

This was
The Tale of The Woman That I Didn't Know

-------------------------------------------------------------

Let this be known. ALL FUCKING FOUR OF YOU

I may not be able to express myself, other than through lyrics
but believe me, it says EXACTLY what i want to say. You say
I can't back up my words, but believe me, your fate has already
been chosen. And I Hope The Demons Rip You To Shreds, Over
and Over, and Over again. For Fucking Eternity.

You Know Who You Are. By God's Grace Should You See This,
I Want You To Know. I Fucking Hate You With Every Inch Of My Being.

RIP IT OLI

"I guess some kids are just born with tragedy in their blood...
I can help you see the light out of your despair,
You tie the rope, I'll kick the fucking chair.
I feel the malice in my veins,
My heart swells with hatred in your name,
And when you've got nothing to turn black and blue,
You've still got Hell to look forward to"

30-04-09

2009-04-30T19:42:00.002+01:00

it's easy to carry on
it's painless to smile
just smile, cause i'm smiling too
and if it was possible, you know we could be together,
yes, you and me

it's possible.
and to let you know
that you make me smile
that you make me laugh
that things make sense
that things aren't complicated

you seem to understand me my dear
and yeah, that's number one
and...

Tom Petty said.

"Baby, even the losers get lucky sometimes"

30-04-09

2009-04-29T23:49:00.003+01:00

i think sometimes people get caught up in the aesthetics
of things...especially relationships...people get so hung up
about how they look...when, all that should matter is whether
you feel like your flying, whether it feels as though your heart
has just taken flight out of your chest...whether it feels peaceful and happy

and whether you feel peaceful and happy.

are you flying?

28-04-09

2009-04-28T22:13:00.002+01:00

hearts will fly
from nest to nest
and feed from each other...

the hardest part is when it flies too easily
either from nests still willing to give
or to nests not ready to hold you

2009-04-27T21:41:00.002+01:00

sat on the other side of the wall i can't help but think
please don't leave
your presence makes me peaceful
without you i'm a wreck and it's you that

makes me fly
makes me try

makes me feel so alive, i'm not gonna die,
and if i do
i wanna die right here with you
i wanna fly right here next to you

20-04-09

2009-04-20T12:45:00.003+01:00

i care for you so deeply
i could swim in it like warm water
but the water is getting stained a funny colour.

It's goes a shade of pale red
and then as time goes on
it's like theres no water there

i'm swimming in my own blood

it's because you're so very far away
and everytime i think of it
it stabs me

---------------------------------------

This kind of tragedy runs in your blood
drink and you will see
i do more damage than i should
i can't help it, it's just me

i was never made to work this way
i'm not wired right to love you
although i feel it in my heart of hearts
"oh so fatal oh so cute"

18-04-09

2009-04-18T14:28:00.002+01:00

we're an experiment,
they want us dead or crazy,
teased and hazy like tortured slaves
i can't get in to save you

separated by glass walls
it's like you're so far away
and it'll cut my skin to ribbons
just to get you safe to me

i feel your warmth bleed through the walls
i shout out to you but you don't hear my call

we're an experiment,
they want us crazy or dead,
teased and bled like tortured slaves
i fucking crave to save you

separated by glass walls
it's like you're so far away
and it'll break my bones to splinters
just to get you safe

break my bones
tear my skin
all because
i feel within...

wrong or right,
i fucking love you
that's why i'd die to save you tonight

2009-04-17T00:37:00.002+01:00

you held my hand and then you slipped away

and i might never see your face again

so tell me how to fill the space inside

without love, what is life?

Def Leppard - Long, Long Way To Go

09-04-09 assorted thoughts

2009-04-09T23:22:00.000+01:00

hold me in the dark and watch me kiss the night goodbye
living in a moment not just living in a lie
sleeping through the chaos, lying in your arms
dreaming of a place where we can't do each other harm

until tomorrow <333

---------------------------------------------------------------

the outside world could disappear
all the night and day
if it wasnt that i'd miss you baby
more than i could say

just what path do we both take to
make sure that we meet like we did in our dreams?

-------------------------------------------------------------

i have to let out all this hurt
this feeling, just float away -
"suck it up you freak, you havent felt pain before, you dont know what it's like to really hurt"
- just make it go away, a brain-stopping jolt, numb and fall away

like dominoes in warm sea water

sunshine starlight
glow in my head and illuminate my dreams
and like a cold pillow, watch me drift in and out

cauterize my heart and numb my mind
let me sleep, drunk on anaesthesia
cradling my dreams and virtual living
while i lie lifeless in someplace

had enough of being literal
"get a life you nobody, you dont know what youre talking about"

07-04-09

2009-04-07T20:59:00.000+01:00

just as the shock hits...
just as the feeling runs up and down my spine like electricity
shivers and the hair on the back of your arms and the back of your neck like static

electric eyes, electric fingers,
every single contact, every single glance is like 10'000 volts

i'm shivering but it's so hot in here
my mouth is dry but ive been drinking all night

just as the embarrasment hits...
just as the feeling runs into my head and bounces around
the problem getting bigger and bigger until the defenses cave in and the thoughts get the better of me

drop the act, quit the dance,
walk right out
i dont belong in this world of social "faux pas" and friction
and even if you did follow me, i'd beg you to see what everyone else does

i'd be split.
half of me would be screaming for you to leave,
half wishing you'd find a way to shut me up...

06-04-09 2

2009-04-06T23:51:00.000+01:00

you think sometimes that i'm just too stupid
like one more time in my face is gonna change shit
reapeating the same damn line over fifty times...

when are you gonna get it that i don't want to listen
im sick and damn tired of your moaning droning voice...

i'm my own person and i make my own decisions
i didn't need your instruction when i labeled these incisions
everything i do i feel like i'm having visions of you creeping up behind me and telling me how to function

just....chill the fuck out

06-04-09 Nights Like These

2009-04-06T23:49:00.000+01:00

i think I'm ruining me,
the verbal equivalent of stabbing my heart so eloquently,
stuck in this god damn circle,
I'd give anything to break free

i drank it down just to help me sleep,
but whiskey, she made promises she never intended to keep,
and as i wake with hazy eyes,
I'm just fuelling more nights like these

nights like these, alcoholic and silent
bitter and self-violent
full of pity
no confidence
no self-esteem
no spine

i might as well be,
the concrete on the ground for all the footprints on me
some of them are mine
some of them are dirty

i drank it down just to help me sleep,
but brandy, she made promises she never intended to keep,
and as i wake with hazy eyes,
i find...i find i'm just fuelling more nights like these

i can hear people laughing,
are they laughing at me?
they call me failure, i wish i could disagree
but try as i do, i'm just the same old me

nights like these, alcoholic and silent
bitter and self-violent
full of pity
no confidence
no self-esteem
no spine

i hear the world shouting "nothing"
i hear the world shout "you're nothing to me"
i hear the world screaming "nothing"
i hear the world scream "you're nothing to me"

05-04-09 thoughts

2009-04-05T23:00:00.000+01:00

im not going to say it feels so wrong, it feels so right...
(boring, cliched)
all i know is that on that day, it was new, fun, and the world was ours.
it was exhilarating, it was scary and we were curious.

And i know that one day, i'll feel that again. on the day when the height of my confidence
is finally where it should be, and you are right where you should be. When we both know
what's next. When the whole of your head screams at you to take the chance and run with it. When the whole of your body screams at you to make contact, "any contact, just brush past". When the whole of your soul craves to feel attached to someone else, when it knows that someone else feels the same as you do....

until then <333

2009-03-24T11:07:00.000Z

22-3-09

2009-03-22T00:02:00.001Z

Isn't it crayzee how the sun makes you smile?
it seems almost like an aphrodisiac, making everything seem ecstatic

laughing and smiling at nothing in particular,
the cool breeze almost makes you feel like you're floating

and it always reminds me of Cardiff....without fail....
train noises, sun loungers and Carling...bring on the summer and i'll be there again

20-3-09

2009-03-20T23:02:00.001Z

it seems that love, like life, is full of pitfalls
and you're no more aware of one than you are of the next.
but life goes on...but when all you seem to live for is
the ecstasy, the feeling, the happy, what's worth living
for when you're alone?

Donnie Darko
(Dr. Thurman: "Donnie, what did Roberta Sparrow say to you?"...Donnie: "She said that every living creature on earth dies alone")
(Dr. Thurman: "Do you feel alone right now?" Donnie: "Oh, i dunno. I mean, I'd like to believe I'm not but I just...I've just never seen any proof so I...I just don't debate it anymore, you know? It's like I could spend my whole life debating it, over and over again, weighing the pros and cons and I still wouldn't have any proof so I just, I don't debate it anymore. It's absurd."
Dr. Thurman: "The search for God is absurd?" Donnie: "It is if everyone dies alone")

20-3-09

2009-03-20T22:57:00.000Z

if the time is now, why can't i run?
if it's now or never, why do i feel like "nevermind"?
i need more than a shove in the right direction.
i drift between action and prone-stuck-still.

19-3-09

2009-03-19T22:40:00.000Z

i know i should stop and take stock of where i am. Hit -PAUSE- for a while and take a break, but i know how good it feels being in that place...that warm, fuzzy place reserved for lovers lying in each others arms in the dead of night...the comfortable, delicious silence...i know how toxic a simple smell can be now...how addictive...i just need to not feel alone...i need something real again...i need something to hold while i fall asleep...and most of all, i need a hug.

19-3-09

2009-03-19T22:39:00.000Z

i need to get back on my feet...but sometimes im sure i can feel the warmth of your hands and smell your hair
but just by thinking about it i'm taking a step backwards

16-3-09

2009-03-19T00:39:00.000Z

i'm dreaming again
hoping a better way appears before i bite the bullet and take my life in my hands.
but it's a bullet that's been tearing itself through my insides, making a hole that's now being used to anchor me to the ground, stopping me from rising
but really all that's anchoring me is myself. it's my own non-belief. it's my own failure to realise the mess i'm in.

maybe i'm just a whore for attention