06-12-09

Cheshire Cat

You smiled so wide, took me inside
Your teeth so sharp, they cut my mind
Some circumstances led to this
We took the blame and both dismissed

Since then it's been so difficult,
To take the facts out of the vault
And it doesn't help that I'm crazy
Life seems so big and hazy

Like flowers under sun
we grew apart and we'd begun
to hate the little things that aren't the same

Now you've dried your whiskers toots,
kicked it out the litter box,
and you've got a nice new heart to chew.

And so here's to you,
To Cheshire Cat, A quick adieu
I will spare a point of view
And leave you with your cold fish stew

Cheshire cat, adieu

05-12-09

i don't care for the fact that this doesn't get read.

it means i can use it more like a diary.

so it that sense, i've just re-done my nails.

I'm sat on my bed thinking over some old relaxation techniques

and that i'm hungry

05-12-09

it's almost the end of the year and thoughts fill my head constantly like waves
i wanna be pretty, i wanna make that effort every day and stun myself someday
i like taking time over how i look, cause i think i'm making a difference
sometimes when i look in the mirror i see i look okay
but sometimes i don't know where to begin

i think i'm going to start using the powder again
lovely pale winter skin

but my decision remains that i don't need anyone at the moment
i don't need the trouble, not that it has threatened to arrive any time soon

i must start wearing my crayon earring again.

hopefully i can get my ears done next thursday, that would be awesome

30-11-09

Haven't written anything creative in so long, and i don't want the ability to up and fly away...

Given the absence of dreamy substance
flying away in a sleep so deep
but once your image popped into my head it was left to
no one but me
to remember it once i awoke and cement it firmly

GLORIOUS ETHEREAL GOTHIC 80'S POST-PUNK ...? maybe?...well some of it

okayokay


I’ve loved Placebo (although admittedly not Post-Punk, but glorious and at times, Melancholic) ever since...
god knows when...I KNOW! SSX3 for PS2...the soundtrack featuring what? Oh yes...The Bitter End by Placebo...and I have loved them, and their amazing lead singer and guitarist ever since...their new drummer isn't bad either ;P

but that aside...

I’ve loved Joy Division ever since I stumbled upon Love Will Tear Us Apart and Anton Corbijn's Control
and 24 Hour Party People.

and I’ve loved The Cure ever since lovecats...

But check this new playlist...filled with ethereal dreamy guitar loops, so lovely you could drown in them

Anathema - A Natural Disaster (not post punk...but so ethereal)
Bauhaus - Bela Lugosi's Dead
Bauhaus - She's In Parties
Editors - (Again...flaky association with the title but I love it) The Back Room (In particular "Munich")
Joy Division - Everything!!
Justin Hayward - Forever Autumn (flaky again...but yes...love it)
Keane - Nothing In My Way (Not 80's, nor Post-Punk...but melancholic britishness?)
Morrissey - Irish Blood, English Heart
Morrissey - Everyday Is Like Sunday
New Order - True Faith '94
OMD - Enola Gay (Synth-pop, I know...but I like it)
Placebo - Pretty Much Everything, because I love it
Radiohead - Creep
Relient K - Who I am Hates Who I've Been (acoustic)
Scissor Sisters - Mary (Is this really who it says it is? cause it's so different!)
Siouxsie and The Banshees - Hong Kong Garden
Siouxsie and The Banshees - Dear Prudence
Stereophonics - Dakota (Just such a good song)
Tears For Fears - Mad World
The Cranberries - Zombie (Awesome song "And their bombs, and their guns")
The Cranberries - Linger (To lighten the mood)
The Cure - Charlotte Sometimes (I LOVE THIS SONG!)
The Smiths - Best of album
The Stone Roses - Fools Gold (Manchester connection, and a brilliant bassline)
The Strokes - Reptilia
The Wombats - Lets Dance To Joy Division
Tokyo Police Club - Nature of The Experiment (love the hook)

Am i?

Am i the only one who thinks things sound more romantic...more...mysterious in a different language?

say...Jacques Brel - Ne Me Quitte Pas

Ne me quitte pas

Il faut oublier
Tout peut s'oublier
Qui s'enfuit deja
Oublier le temps
Des malentendus
Et le temps perdu
A savoir comment
Oublier ces heures
Qui tuaient parfois
A coups de pourquoi
Le coeur du bonheur
Ne me quitte pas
 
Now as Jacques Brel - Don't Leave Me Now
 
Don't leave me now
We must forget
All can be forgotten
It escapes already
Forget the time
The misunderstandings
And the time that's lost
We must know how
Forgot those hours
Which killed at times
With each thrust of why
The heart of happiness
Don't leave me now

Maybe it's me...

New leaf....for those who bother to read, and if you do, i commend you...thanks

29-10-2009

Can you see you're only helping them out? I'm not the right person to be preaching, with scars on my arms and stomach, but if you listen to them, please listen to me. You're making yourself ill. Brenda please listen when i say that, they aren't worth listening to. You're better than this, you can cope, i know you can. I believe in you, so can you believe in yourself? You're amazing...DON'T EVER let them tell you otherwise.

You know you're like a sister to me. I love you okay?

I'm so worried...

7/10/09

So this is where i'm upto
a sort of checkpoint you might say...

only i don't fucking know where i'm going....

Just watch and listen as i slip back into the waters that drowned me for so long
Hear the trickle as every drop passes into my lungs.

You might not know, you might not see
but this is how i'll always be.

I told you you were the bullet boring through my brain
I was wrong
That implies you're slowly killing me, if we're running in slow-motion

You aren't
You are the sparks inside my head,
inspiring me not to end up dead, putting the words i write into an order all of us can understand

And by all of us,
I mean the group of people that have become the lifeline i live for

These people who day after day make this place bright and colourful
when forces i can't control suck out the colour and the fun

But without any of you, i don't know if i could've walked all this way on my own
when the view from the bridge is so pretty
and the water looks so pure
and the air is so fresh.

I may have fallen, but because of you i have never reached the water

I love you people <333...But especially you...

You Drown Me

So Stable And Steady Is The Bridge I Stand On....It's You

So Fresh And Clear Is The Air That I Fall Through....It's You
So Pure And Clean Are The Waters That Surround Me...It's You
So Pretty And Strong The Waves That Wash Me Ashore...It's You...

20-09-09

Breathe in and breathe back out, it's a constant cycle we can't go through our lives without, but when you can't summon the strength to breathe a sigh over something, when it hurts too much, if you never got over it enough to breathe that sigh, would you die? When you're happy bathing in the silence and you realise the time, when you should be on your way around the bend, would it really be so bad to hit pause? If you live a life by simple means and everyone around chases after their dreams in a blur of love and sweat past your window, does it fill you with the utmost fear when it hits you like ten thousand spears, you should be amongst that crowd outside. This pressure piles upon over the stupidest things, when you're in a crowded elevator and no ones talking, no one seems to be breathing, that pressure when you need to make a sound?

This is the knot this is the anchor, I step in when you can't handle this situation. I fill up your gut and make you need to hurt, i pull you slowly through the ground. I make you feel this disconnected, this ignored, this ineffective. I make you literally disappear.

And when you're down here, when you daren't make a sound, when you're cowering under the table. Just know this.

To everyone on the outside?...You look like a child

Bright Lights

There's something about fireworks...

I kept imagining you stood in front of me, my arms around your waist

Seeing those bright lights fill up your eyes and, in the case of the midnight hour kissing you as the bell chimes.

<3

Heart and Soul

I love you with all of my heart and soul

I cannot wait another moment until we can see each other, not being able to touch you or see you only makes me want you more, and think of you more.

I'll miss you whenever i'm not right by your side,
I love you <3

-x-

Things To Get My Life On Track

Update. Basically, I've come a long way since i started this blog, and an even longer way since the problems first began. I've discovered things, overcome things and fixed things. When the problems began, i was 16. I couldn't deal with any type of anger and i took it out on myself as countless other teenagers with the same problem do. I could use one of my best friends, Brenda, as an example, but it isn't fair on her, so i won't. I had issues with my anger, i self-harmed and i found a lot of situations in which i felt sorry for myself. But as time has gone on, I've met people, had conversations, had relationships and things have changed. I know i've got General Anxiety Disorder now, and can spot what happens, so it makes it easier to cope with. I can say that without at doubt, there are people that without whom, i would not be here today. I would've let decisions that now define me get to me, I would've let past tragedy that taints my life get to me. I would've let pointless shit that doesn't matter get to me. I have to thank people and here seems appropriate.This isn't everybody, and if you see this and somehow feel left out, then don't be stupid. I'm not paying tribute and ranking my friends, i'm mentioning people who have literally kept me alive.

Sara Jane Rose Bfam - For Being The Easiest Person To Talk To About Anything And Being Able To Laugh About It.

Haley McRainbows - For Being My Inspiration To Write My Issues Out, Keep My Head Up And Get On With Life...Stay Well Miss Rainbow <3

Laura Pass - For Always Being There For Me In My Darkest Moments, Even If Regrettably I Dragged You Down With Me.

Mark Palmer (CUZ) - For Making Me Laugh When It Seems So Hard To.

Danni Palmer, Brenda Metcalf, Immy <$333 - For Knowing How It Feels.

There are more of you out there. Don't get pissy. These Are People Who Help Me Out On Regular Occasion And Rarely Recieve Any Thanks And, For The Most Part, Deserve More Than What They Get From Life.

I Love You All.

18-09-09

Our bodies mirroring each other
Moving as close as we can

Hands placed carefully
Yours on my neck
Mine on your cheek

Short sharp breaths and
Eyes opening and closing
Flitting everywhere, staring into each other

This building up of energy
Oh how i need you,
To feel you, touch you
Taste you, hear you

Every touch from you feels like lightning
Every scent of you smells like heaven
You look like a million $ baby
And I can't wait til i can say you're mine.

Cause Baby...You Fascinate Me

13-09-09

I would've expected, to be talking about

your face
your smell
your touch

but as of yet, i wouldn't know
as i thought i would.

<3

13-09-09

He shuffled through a life less ordinary than most. Didn't feel the need to abuse
the gift with which he was born, he just lived because of it in his own solitude.
Comfortable and quiet, he walked the streets and when he thought he was seen,
he could flat-out disappear. Just like a flash from a disposable camera, he was gone
and away from the awkward situations of a social life, filled with it's status and faux pas,
the only person he need worry about was the one in the mirror. Not concerned with
social-acceptance and standing up to confrontation, he didn't give a care when deciding
colours, shapes, sizes for his furniture and clothing. He just puddled along under his own
banner.

As the people who care slowly walk away,
and the warmth fades away,
tell me what do i have left in this world so threatening and frightening?

A dream to fly but a paralyzed destiny,
just let this fade for the worst
let this kill us both
we can't function together and we can't function alone
tell me what do we do

It's as

Wade MacNeil sang

"Were not the kids we used to be"

So....here goes

We're not the kids we used to be.
This is my life,
my rules, myregualtions

You keep dreaming and keep believing
you signed away your life the moment
you signed on the line

We're not the kids we used to be.
This is how i'm going to live my life
Think someday i'll find a wife.

You sit there like you got a choice
Ten years down the line you'll barely have a voice
This god damn life will be the death of you

-----------------------------------------------------

Scrape this life off the curb